I have just returned from a rehersal dinner for Jen's first cousin's wedding. I was also able to spend a morning golfing with my brother Eric on a BEAUTIFUL Minnesota September day (85 degrees)! As we sat and ate lunch with Eric, my wife (Jen) frankly asked Eric - "how are you, Nikki and the kids doing?" By her asking this, I knew that she was asking sincerely, "How is life, how is marriage, how is it being a full-time masters degree student with 2 kids?" I find myself all too often asking this question expecting a "Things are going well" statement. But am I really prepared for someone to say "life is really difficult right now, my marriage sucks, I just got laid off from work, I am almost bankrupt, my kids are driving me crazy, I have an addiction to...., etc. etc.
How may of us would really like to answer this question honestly to whomever asks it? How many of us would take the time to ask the question willing to visit long enough about an honest answer? How many of us would be vulnerable enough to say what is REALLY on our minds?
I know I don't personally take enough time to have these conversations even with my own wife! I'm the typical male in some cases - don't take/make the time to discuss meaningful subjects/things. Maybe this blog will encourage me to dive deeper into meaningful conversations that cover insightful topics of life.
Eric - thanks for being a guy that is willing/able to lay it out there for people to know who you are. You thinking and ability to put things in words is awesome!
Good night and God Bless -
Andy Holst
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I know what you mean, Andy. I've been on both the asking and the answering side of giving or expecting the superficial response. I'm feeling really grateful for this blog, grateful to get to know you and Eric better. I feel sad that I've missed out on so much of your lives up to this point. I know I have only myself to blame for that fact.
One of the things that's true about me is that when things get tough my initial reaction is to split. It's at odds with my perception of myself, because I like to see myself as a very loyal person - and I am up to a certain point. But if I feel like I've been betrayed in some way, or if I feel threatened, I bolt. I did it when I was 17 and left South Dakota - for good as far as I was concerned.
I've spent a lot of my life feeling misunderstood, not really known. It's only been as I've gotten older that I've come to see that it's my own secret-keeping, my own fear of rejection that leads me to say what I think people want to hear rather than my truth, that it's these things that keep me from being known. I call them my "default positions." They're behaviors I learned long ago, they come naturally. I have to work at a different response.
This blog has created the opportunity to respond differently, to be honest with those who form my family. It feels both good and scary to do so.
Thanks for being part of the conversation.
Mary
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