Held...

Webster's dictionary defines this word that has come to my mind quite often the past year in the following way:

Held: to have or kept in the hand, to bear, sustain or support with or as if with the hands or arms; to conduct or carry on; to keep in the mind, believe: held certain beliefs, to maintain a grasp, remain fast...etc

This past year has been one of the most significant, wonderful, frightening, difficult, frustrating, and amazing years in my life to date.

My husband, Peter and I found ourselves in the midst of many "firsts" all at once.  Most of which included our baby girl, Clara being born three days into Peter's first year of law school.  We have experienced blessings this year too numerous to list and although I know it has not been nearly as difficult as it could be it was still arduous.  Hard on our family, our marriage, on my sense of self.

As I feel so stretched sometimes- in discovering my new role as a mama, as well as balancing my job and being there for my husband the best I can through this law school experience, and struggling to make ends meet financially; I simultaneously feel a tremendous sense of peace.  I simply feel held.

There are many reasons for this, most of which include an incredible family support system we are so blessed with.  It seems that almost every time my hope seems to falter and I spin my wheels of worry, there is a friend or family member who does something to remind us that we are just that.  Held.  We have been reminded that even though our family faces great unknown and challenge, we are held by family.  Held by the Holy One.  I suppose this is how I see God these days, when he/she seems to remain otherwise silent.

I read somewhere once that, "Change is birth of newness.  it is painful, but can be holy and refining if we experience it and let it teach and guide us, let it into our very selves."  I am clumsily grasping to do just that.

Lately, as I hold my own daughter the way my mother held me, and still does in different ways- I am frightened for Clara's future, for her world.  I hope for change with a lump in my throat. I hear about the economy which is crashing down around us, about war, genocide, about outsourcing and joblessness, about my country who turns their nose at a senator who wants a meager $1000 tax cut for families who make less than $200K/year but in the same breath begs us to approve a 7Billion dollar bailout for Wallstreet which would cost those same Americans $10K per family, about how half of my own paycheck goes toward mediocre health insurance for our family.  

I am frightened, but still have hope.  As the election draws near we find ourselves in our own family hoping for a country who will elect a person we can look up too, who can bring Americans together again and make our nation "held." I want Clara to have her start in life in a country who's president feels strongly about community, and building peace through relationships.  I want Clara to be able to read this someday and feel grateful for our nation's ability to have come out of a recession, end war time and have renewable energy sources be part of everyday living.  

My highest hope for my daughter is for her to feel held.  By her family and her world.  I want her to read this someday and know not only how much her life has shaped who I am, but that no matter how painful change in life and in the world can be she feels held in her life's journey.  I am thankful we get to travel the road as a family.

Here's to a better world and a new era for our little ones.

Elizabeth Linder (Peter's wife)